Sad songs, films and books

when i got home after school

i would close my bedroom door

and sink into the comfort

of sad songs, films and books

and as the sun set on my heart

the glare of a screen

or the glow of side lamp

would keep me warm

longing

in fantasy

for things to be different

that they could be as they are on tv

where friendship was easy

hoping that someone

anyone

would see me

and then i’d be called down for dinner

and i’d pull myself back together

returning to my familiar role

at the dining table

and it never occurred to me

that i would never feel seen

or understood

when this other version of me

was kept in the dark

behind closed doors

where its only expression

was in the breathless words

of a diary entry

expunged temporarily

while training me

that this sad part

was unacceptable to see

and as i grew around it

like rings in a tree

my circumstances changed

and my life reassembled happy

but i found myself

shaped into a character

i might have seen on tv

without the feeling

of being me