We’ve spent the last few days exploring ourselves in a deeper way, from our nervous system to habits to beliefs.

But there’s something quite toxic about the self-help industry…

The suggestion is that there is something to improve. That you must change yourself in order to find happiness.

But the reverse is true.

As Carl Rogers said, “The paradox is that when I accept myself, then I can change.”

Today we’re going to discuss self-acceptance and the inner critic.

This is the last tool in series. Enjoy!

Day 5: Inner critic

📚 Reading

I spent most of my 20s pursuing self-improvement. I read books, did courses, went into therapy, and changed my habits…

In the process, I learned that I was striving for happiness through external validation, career success and material possessions.

This was truly liberating.

But I had one big blind spot…

I was also striving for happiness through self-improvement.

I thought that I would become a version of myself that would finally be deserving of happiness.

But deep down there was a thought that ‘I’m not enough’.

Transforming the thought “I’m not enough” into “I’m enough” means accepting ourselves as we are.

But accepting the parts of ourselves we don’t like can seem like an impossible task…

Perhaps we compare ourselves to others, using external standards and achievements that appear to be objective measures of worth.

Perhaps we fear that if we accept ourselves as we are, others won’t accept us or perhaps we won’t be motivated to change.

Perhaps we have a lot of self-doubt and self-blame due to past traumatic experiences.

But the truth is that self-acceptance nurtures and sustains the growth and transformation you seek in your life.

Self-criticism hinders progress.

Continual self-criticism and negative self-talk can be paralysing. It often leads to a fear of failure and a reluctance to take risks.

Whereas self-acceptance creates a supportive emotional environment for your inner self.

It offers a safe and nurturing space where you can explore, learn, and take risks without fear of harsh self-criticism or judgment.

Self-talk

If you are not accepting yourself, you are rejecting yourself.

It’s no wonder that people seek external validation if they cannot validate themselves.

Self-acceptance means that you are no longer driven by external pressures or unrealistic expectations but by an intrinsic desire to become the best version of yourself.

Self-acceptance is the foundation of self-love.

When you love and accept yourself as you are, you’re more likely to make choices and changes that genuinely align with your values and desires.

You make changes out of self-care rather than self-punishment.

We will always feel better, do more and be more capable when we are loved.

One of the best ways we have to foster self-acceptance is to pay attention to our self-talk.

There’s nothing inherently wrong with thoughts and stopping them shouldn’t be the goal.

But if we have a running commentary in our minds we want to make sure it’s constructive rather than destructive.

Thought experiment

Imagine your mind as a vast sky and thoughts as passing clouds.

Thoughts come and go like clouds, but the sky itself remains unchanged and expansive.

Just as you are not the clouds in the sky, you are not your thoughts.

Thoughts are transient, while your true essence is the unchanging awareness behind them.

Changing the relationship between ourselves and our thoughts like this is helpful.

It creates some distance. Some space.

We can recognise that the judgemental voice we hear isn’t our own.

But we can still get caught up in the stories it tells. So we need to create even more distance.

We can do so by labelling our thoughts.

Pay attention to your thoughts and you’ll realise that there are patterns that have their own signature voice.

The most common voice is the Inner Critic.

It is the one that beats you up repeatedly over mistakes or shortcomings, warns you obsessively about future risks, wakes you up in the middle of the night worrying, gets you fixated on what is wrong with others or your life, etc.

There are other voices too…

The Over-Achiever believes that you need to work harder to be successful.

The Perfectionist believes that everything needs to be at an unrealistic standard.

The Avoider is unwilling to experience emotional pain.

The list goes on.

All of these voices are just maladaptive survival strategies

The Inner Critic is worried about being ostracised by society so it cautions you

The Perfectionist has learned that it can avoid painful criticism by having total control over its work.

The Avoider is just trying to alleviate pain.

From this lens, we can learn to be compassionate to these voices. They are trying to help us.

📝 Journal prompts

What if you decided to believe that you are on the best path — that you’re living the life you’re supposed to be living?

If you did, how would it change your experience of today?

Think back to the last time that you tried something and failed. How did you react? What did you tell yourself?

What are some common things your Inner Critic will say?

🛠️ Tool

Parts work

Take the time to become acquainted with the Inner Critic.

The next time you notice a judgemental thought, identify it as coming from the Inner Critic.

Avoid any judgement - you are not labelling it as good or bad. You’re simply categorizing it.

Note any emotion that accompanies the thought.

You can then kindly thank and dismiss the thought. “Ah, thank you Inner Critic. I recognise you’re trying to help but I do not need it.”

🧘‍♀️ Guided meditation

In this meditation, we’ll explore how we can welcome all thoughts in our experience.

Listen to the meditation here.

💫 Wrap-up

Today we’ve learned all about the importance for self-acceptance in being able to transform into the person you want to become.

OK, that’s everything the email series. I hope you’ve found it informative!

If you have any feedback, please do hit reply to reach out to me 😊

I’d love to hear from you so that I can continue to improve the course for more people.