Why do I keep self-sabotaging?

I’ve always been fascinated by unconsciousness.

Why is it so hard to do what I want to do?

Why am I unhappy in a life where I’m supposedly the main character?

Do I not have any control?

Perhaps this unconscious part of me longed to be known.

And in its own way, introduced me to meditation.

Getting to that point felt like chaos.

But it was the only life I knew.

So I never felt the water boiling hotter in the pot.

Not consciously.

But unconsciously I’ve known something is off.

And through awareness practices, I’ve been growing in my self understanding.

Because I’ve been seeing myself.

And that’s only possible through self expression.

Art is the mirror.

And will be until I turn back and see myself.