Is the true test of love to let it go?

Inner work is important but the measure of progress is how we act with others.

I’m learning this as I explore a romantic connection after years of turning inward.

Inwards to outwards

In the early stages of my journey, I cut out external influences so I could understand who I really was.

I left my home country, went on retreats, stopped using coffee, drugs and alcohol, unfollowed the news, avoided Netflix and entertainment media, and became selective about the people in my life.

This ‘elimination diet’ helped me to tune my instrument; to understand my baseline.

Now I can walk through the world and know what fires me up, what drains me, and what I’m curious about.

But it wasn’t enough to be comfortable in my own presence. I wanted to be comfortable in the wider world too.

I gradually exposed myself to everything I’d cut out to learn how I could be amongst it without being absorbed by it.

After years of this process, I’m now at the stage of dating.

In many ways, it feels like the ultimate test of spirituality.

Consciously relating

You can talk the talk. But when you’re triggered, when you’re hurt, when you’re moody, can you choose to respond rather than react?

Can you consciously relate to someone rather than unconsciously try to manipulate the situation?

I’m exploring what it’s like to date someone with non-attachment.

Being with someone without trying to control them.

Renewing my commitment to them each day, rather than having an unspoken or formal expectation.

For me, love is about offering someone the freedom to be who they are.

Supporting them but allowing them complete choice.

Welcoming and marvelling the butterfly that lands on my outstretched hand, rather than trying to grasp it.

This is very counter-intuitive to the ego, which likes to control.

It likes to believe that it is in charge. The grand operator. Rather than just a tiny fleck of dust riding the currents in a swirling cosmos.

The ego’s desire to control seeps into our romantic relationships.

We want our partners to fit neatly into our dreams, our worldview, our desires.

But when we place expectations on someone, when we make assumptions and when we bring them into our dreams, a gap widens between mind and reality.

And in that gap emerges a frustration with what is.

Trust your experience

That’s why the most important thing is to trust our own inner experience.

Because this is the source of truth. The only reality we can know.

We can practice this through interpersonal meditation.

While in conversation with someone, we can turn inwards to our felt experience.

Often our awareness is elsewhere: in our minds, in the environment, in the conversation.

When we pay attention to our sensations, we cultivate a stronger relationship with our intuition, with our truth.

A word, gesture, touch can be enough to send a ripple of signals through our bodies.

And as we learn to pay attention, we can attune to the other person better.

We can sense openness, connection, playfulness, or threat.

And we can welcome all sensations and experiences with curiosity, rather than fear.

Through this practice, it’s been interesting for me to note how my mind and body have quickly shifted as I’ve started dating.

Suddenly my thoughts are consumed by someone else.

There’s a desire to fantasise about the future.

And a fear as I consider things ending.

My body seeks the comfort of their company.

My mind constantly oscillates.

It’s become a new meditative practice for me to observe this all and bring myself back to presence.

And yet, also, to allow myself to fantasise. To be lost in someone else.

Because when you meet someone you really connect with, it’s natural and enjoyable to let the mind wander.

Why fight against what is.

What the future holds

I don’t know where this connection will go.

Maybe it’ll end tomorrow. Maybe it’ll be lifelong. Who knows, that’s the mystery of life.

As one of my favourite poets, David Whyte, says:

“This is the good day you could meet your love. This is the hard day somebody you love could die. This is the day you realise how easily the thread is broken between this world and the next”

I am learning to trust in life.

To be non-attached.

To believe that whatever happens is right.

To appreciate the things as they come into my life. And to have the grace to allow them to leave with as much ease.

Somewhere in the middle, I find my path.

Watching, relishing, playing.

Being human.