I’m a Barbie girl in a Barbie world

My life is grounded in nature, healing and spirituality.

It’s not pink and materialistic.

But I realised last week that I am Barbie.

And that’s a problem.

I live in a 1920s house on top of a hill overlooking the forested landscape of Wellington, New Zealand. I look out from my balcony to a backdrop of mountains that are glazed with the morning sun. A wisp of cloud cuts across the sky like a dividing line between heaven and earth.

The chickens announce themselves, beckoning me to feed them. And afterwards, I spend my day meditating, writing, creating, coaching, facilitating, and deepening my journey of self-discovery.

It’s taken me many years to get here but I’ve finally created a life that feels like a reflection of who I am. It’s far removed from the sirens and stimulated buzz of London city living and corporate working that comprised my 20s.

I thought this was real. But actually, you could call this play set: Spiritual Barbie.

You see, I’ve created the perfect, comfortable life. I’ve called in everything that I find pleasant and I’ve pushed out everything I find ugly.

I’ve surrounded myself with open-minded, supportive people. My interests relate to self-development. I’ve cut myself off from the news and media.

I’ve created a bubble.

Awfully cozy in here

I’ve become increasingly aware of this over the last few weeks as fear started to arise in my body.

It was causing me to procrastinate on making steps forward in my business.

Why was I delaying setting up a local meditation group, if that’s something I deeply wanted?

Why was I not marketing myself, if this business was aligned to my values?

Something was stopping me…

Fear.

I could feel it in my heart.

I would lay in bed in the morning for an extra hour or two, just being with it. Tending to the scared inner child.

But I couldn’t understand why it was showing up like this.

I’ve stepped out of my comfort zone so many times in the past year. Why did this feel different?

Then I realised…

I was worried about change.

I’ve created my dream life, neat and orderly.

And on the other side of that is the unknown.

What if I was truly successful in my pursuits?

All of the responsibility and commitment of a growing business would follow. Chaos. Things out of my control.

And as much as I’ve leaned into the unknown over the past five years, I’ve been in the driving seat.

I’ve been choosing when to move further into it and when to pull back. I’ve been in control of the major decisions of my life, jumping before being pushed.

Underlying all of this has been a movement towards comfort, like an unconscious desire to return to the womb. Where everything is safe, provided for, and peaceful.

It’s no wonder that my bed is my favourite place. And why I’ve been finding it hard to leave its warm embrace in the mornings.

Yes, I’ve felt more deeply than ever. I’ve had painful conversations. I’ve unwound self-sabotaging patterns.

But it’s been controlled exposure to pain.

Truthfully, I’ve cut myself off from the suffering of the world. From the deep pain that people are feeling.

It’s something that probably began as a child as a protective mechanism. I was a sensitive boy and the pain was too much.

But what I’ve learnt is that my capacity to feel love is proportional to my capacity to feel pain.

And right now, I feel like I’m reaching the limits of my love.

My reflections…

Perhaps in some way I’ve needed this Barbie life. A cocoon to heal in.

And it’s worked.

In the past, my sense of self was so volatile that if someone had said something disparaging, it would have thrown me off. I was so self-conscious, so afraid of poking my head out, that a stranger on the internet saying something rude would be enough to have me retreating.

But now I feel more rooted in myself.

I’m beginning to embody the qualities of having the courage to be disliked. Of showing up authentically.

I feel like I’m entering my next era.

And it begins with suffering.

Stepping into my fear.

Feeling the pain.

I’m returning to some meditation practices called Tonglen, where you bring awareness to your heart and breathe in the suffering of the world, breathing out love.

It’s an incredibly somatic experience. Painful. But necessary.

Because unless I feel this pain, I’ll never feel the love.

And that’s a worthy price to pay.