how to unf*ck yourself

allow me to introduce a new framework

a way of being that can be yours for the low price of free

a way to love yourself

because nothing feels better

sexy, right?

i must confess though, it’s nothing new

it’s the distillation of many other tools

things you’re probably familiar with

all i did is have a coffee and find some alliteration

but i digress

here it is

• drumroll*

the five esses of essential living

OR

how to unf*ck yourself

(depending on if i’m explaining this to my mum or to you)

sense

soften

soothe

speak

surrender

S number one

SENSE

i like to imagine myself as a pool of water

that moves across the earth

(which isn’t too far from the truth)

outside of me are objects

and they collide with this pool of water all the time

sound from a passing car

vibrates the ears and the body

light reflected from the leaves of a tree

arrive in the retinas and ripple the water with pleasure

and beside the five senses

thinking and feeling

arise and fall like every other object

each one causing a wave in the pool as though a stone were dropped

the incredible thing is that all this rippling can be totally unconscious

we may not notice how we’re affected

by the sight of a couple laughing

or the thought that “my eyes are droopy”

until we become aware of a melancholy later in the day

it all happens so fast

but if we can slow down

and develop our interoception

(our felt sense)

we can notice subtler and subtler ripples

in this body of water

and become aware of how objects affect us

the moment they collide

next step

SOFTEN

as we become aware of all of these objects

and the way they affect our felt sense

we might notice that we contract, we tighten, we clench

bracing for the impact of an object hitting water

we freeze

in the same way we might tighten our abs expecting to be punched

all well and good

it’s protective

but with the way the world is today

we are bombarded by objects

left, right and centre

we are bracing, tightening, clenching

and in such a distracted era

we have become so disassociated

we’re not even feeling the contraction

and unfortunately

when we’re tight

we’re serious

we can’t feel

we’re caught up in thought

anticipating pain

which is greater than the pain of the actual object

until it becomes a vicious circle

no longer fluid

we get damned up and frustrated

so what can we do?

the counterintuitive answer is to soften

to notice when an object has hit us

and to relax

you can try it right now in this moment

you can become aware of your shoulders, your jaw

you can breathe out and soften

you don’t need to clench right now

and as we become more comfortable being soft alone

we can be soft with others

so that when someone says something hurtful

we can soften

it may feel vulnerable and tender

because our heart is open

but it also allows us to feel

the reality of our experience

if you’re feeling extra kind, here’s a bonus step

SOOTHE

we’re children at heart

we need comforting

but not through external reassurance

or with impermanent objects

with love

when we acknowledge and validate what we’re feeling

the pattern within us that reacts to certain objects

can relax and stop splashing water everywhere

we might bring our hand to our heart

breathe in deeply and love the feeling

we might say something to ourselves

or do something kind

so that we can slow down

and find that sense of okayness

that the water always knows

which brings us to the next step

SPEAK

all of these objects are flying at us

we’re softening

to allow the water to ripple

instead of freezing

and we’re helping ourselves to recover

our basic feeling of goodness

wonderful

but it’s also important to act

to protect ourselves where necessary

and to live authentically

we’re water dammit!

we move mountains

we must express

we must speak our truth

we no longer want to shrug off the suffering of the world

or the pain caused by a loved ones words

with our tender open heart

trembling with vulnerability and fear

we say what we truly feel

what we truly want

we know that this is the only way we can stay open

so that objects do not stay inside us

like shards of bullets in flesh

but pass through

and return to stillness

which brings us to the final step

SURRENDER

what happens next

is totally out of our control

after we’ve made our feelings and wants clear

there’s nothing we can do about the outcome

much of our life is spent trying to stop objects from flying at us

but it takes so much effort

and we’re not like neo from the matrix

we’re more like mr bean struggling up some steps

instead, we can just let go

allow the course of things to take place

there’s an incredible amount of inner power

that comes from surrender

knowing that you’re ok

when you sense, soften, soothe, and speak

your inner world is open to you

it’s strong

fluid

transluscent

like water

it’s always changing

enjoyable

a marvel

and though it changes form

it’s eternal

so as you go about your day

and you’re feeling like getting unf*cked up

remember

sense

soften

soothe

speak

surrender

some resources that come to mind that inspired this article:

• the RAIN technique by tara brach
• howtounclench.com
• shambhala: the sacred path of the warrior by chögyam trungpa rinpoche
• the surrender experiment by michael singer
• the fully being programme by tsoknyi rinpoche (highly recommend)