Have the courage to be disliked

I grew up as a people-pleaser. From my naive perspective, being liked and receiving recognition meant that I was doing something right in the eyes of others; my existence was validated.

In school, I would get stressed out about exams and homework because I wanted to please the teacher. Outside of lessons, I would try to blend in with the crowd. I even avoided the things I was interested in for fear of being labelled a dork, like joining chess club or playing an instrument.

If my goal was to avoid being bullied, I succeeded. But it meant that throughout my early years I never really felt whole. I didn’t express myself and I didn’t feel like I belonged – I simply did what I thought was expected of me. The only measure I had of my own self-worth was whether I was liked. On good days, when people laughed at my jokes or complimented me, I felt great. On bad days, when I was ignored or told off, I felt despair.

I walked away from the extreme edges of this mindset with time, but it still had a strong pull on me up until my twenties, when I was introduced to The Courage To Be Disliked, by Ichiro Kishimi. It’s a book that explores the philosophies of Alfred Adler, a twentieth-century psychologist and peer of Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung. One of his key concepts is hinted at in its title: that true happiness can only arrive when we have the courage to be disliked.

“Being disliked is proof that you are exercising your freedom and living in freedom, and a sign that you are living in accordance with your own principles.” - ICHIRO KISHIMI

According to Adler, deep down we are all looking for a sense of belonging, to know that it’s OK to be here. This was the driving force behind my people-pleasing behaviour – to achieve social acceptance. But Adler argues that we should look for this feeling from within, and it begins with self-acceptance.

Ultimately, this means taking responsibility for our life and recognising that at each moment we are choosing to behave in a certain way. When we fully accept that life is not about the cards we have been dealt but what we do with them, we develop a sense of courage. We know that whatever comes our way, we can handle it.

This self-acceptance then allows us to have confidence in other people. We realise that no one can affect the relationship we have with ourselves and we no longer see the world from a lens of competition and inferiority or superiority. From this place of harmony, we learn to contribute to others in a meaningful way. In fact, we realise that even just by being, we are valuable. Our contributions do not need to be visible so long as we feel them within ourselves. We find refuge in community and gain that sense of belonging we were looking for.

“Whenever you think or you believe or you know, you’re a lot of other people: but the moment you feel, you’re nobody-but-yourself. To be nobody-but-yourself — in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else — means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting.” - E.E. CUMMINGS

As the book explains, the reason being disliked is important is because it shows that we are living in accordance with our principles. It is a sign of freedom and of self-acceptance. If, however, we live to be liked and recognised by other people, we end up following other people’s expectations. We throw away who we really are to live somebody else’s life. We never feel like we belong.

Reaching a place of self-acceptance has been a life-long journey for me, and I know that the urge to be a people-pleaser still sits within me. But the difference is that today, I validate myself. I live up to my beliefs because I do and say what feels right to me. If I am disliked in the process, then that is just a sign that I am on the right track.