Do you love yourself?

If you don’t love yourself, how in the hell can you love somebody else?

Wise words.

Except, how many of us truly love ourselves? In a way that is forgiving, compassionate and gentle?

We may have a fraught relationship with our minds, with our bodies, with the parts of us that cause us shame. It can feel like there’s an internal battle going on.

It’s no wonder that we look outside ourselves for love, whether from a partner, material possession or status that we think will bring us the happiness we desire.

This was my pattern throughout my 20s.

I would seek approval from others because I didn’t approve of myself.

And it was from this place of lack that I ended a new romantic relationship that had been unfolding in the first half of 2020.

Journey of self-love

Deep down I felt like my partner’s love for me was filling a hole that I had inside. I didn’t know who I was. I didn’t know how to be self-supporting. I felt unworthy. And these were rotten foundations for a new relationship.

I started meditating and going to therapy but at this stage these practices amplified awareness of my self-judgement and destructive patterns, rather than alleviated them.

I now know that this is normal a stage of growth.

As we start to develop our awareness, we go from unconsciously incompetent to consciously incompetent.

It’s a painful place to be.

But it’s a necessary step before we become consciously competent and correct our patterns.

I noticed that I would bombard myself with imagined conversations in my mind where people would criticise me. And then I would come up with responses to defend myself.

It was a fantasy that heaped harm on me but also soothed me because it felt like I was controlling the criticism I received. I could prepare myself for it.

But this was not a loving inner dialogue.

It meant that I couldn’t see in myself what others saw in me.

I was looking in a distorted mirror.

Quite literally, as my reflection presented me with all of my flaws.

Acne in my teenage years had taught me to be hyper critical of skin blemishes, so that’s all I could ever see regardless of my actual complexion. It was a form of body dysmorphia.

Here I was, 28 years old, carrying the baggage of a teenager.

How do you heal a traumatised person like this? How do you bring love to them?

Unconditional love

Well, to start with we need to revisit our understanding of unconditional love.

For most of us, we learn about love from our parents. We’re told this love is unconditional - but is it really?

It might have been when we were babies. We were loud and made a mess and always felt safe in the love of our parents.

But as we learned to talk, we discovered parts of us that were deemed unlovable.

Perhaps we danced and jumped out of excitement, and we were told off. Perhaps we noted their disapproval of our interests. Perhaps they told us not to walk a certain way or to keep quiet.

Our primary motivation was safety so we learned to suppress the parts of ourselves that were met with criticism or judgement. And we began to internalise their voices to keep ourselves in check.

This isn’t unconditional love.

Unconditional love is boundless. It’s always there, regardless of what we do or who we become.

You might have experienced this feeling with a pet. Perhaps you had a dog who lovingly looked up to you, regardless of whether you walked them or fed them or how you felt.

How do we cultivate such a relationship with ourselves?

Creating a relationship

Well, before we attain self-love, we need self-acceptance.

After all, not accepting something is to deny what is.

And yet very often that’s how we relate to ourselves.

We tell ourselves off for being a certain way. We fantasise that if we were slimmer, richer, or funnier, we would be happier.

We are everywhere except the present moment.