A call for deep rest

depression

is a call for deep rest

i heard jim carrey say that

in a snapchat video

while i was bingeing

in the dark

something about that line

struck me

and in the last couple months

as i felt the candles blow out

one by one

i reflected on its meaning

and my relationship to it

depression is a familiar feeling

a heavy blanket

that kept me coddled in my teenage years

but i always felt i had to throw it off

drag myself to university

socialise

return the pile of dirty plates to the kitchen

and put a frozen pizza in the oven

i found a way through

but i was eager to leave it behind

so it was a curious visitor in these winter months

showing up unannounced

with postcards of the dark places it had gone to in years gone by

you cant really do anything about feelings

if you suppress them, they’ll show up in your health

avoid them, and they’ll show up in your patterns

indulge them, and they’ll spread across your life like butter on toast

but you can change how you relate to them

and this time

i met this depression with compassion and understanding

so you dont want to get out of bed til 3pm today?

ok, all good

too tired to exercise?

no worries

one thing though

i know you want to hide

but come on, you know a phone call with a friend will do you good

and i know its a little effort

but that fresh food is so much more delicious and nourishing

and with a little care and curiosity

the dark veil lifted to reveal its face

a sense that i’ve been pressuring myself for as long as i can remember

“don’t be lazy, get out of bed!”

“if you don’t study you’re going to fail”

little whips

dagger points of shame

that would jolt me into action

my whole system was fed up

living with this slave master

of its own design

approaching depression with love

instead of fear

revealed its true nature

it wasn’t something to be afraid of

it was asking for rest

as if my whole body wanted to reset

for an operating system upgrade

and as the days passed

laying there

waiting for motivation

a little candle ignited

“i’d like to get out of bed now”

great, me too!

“maybe a stretch, it feels so good”

you’re right, it does!

“i’d quite like to draw something”

ok, let’s do that!

piecing myself back together

i may look the same

but the motivation has changed

i’m doing the same things

but now… i want to

i want to do it because i love the way it makes me feel

i want to do it because i deserve to feel good

i want to do it because its a choice im making for myself

the push-pull

the resistence

it’s fading

but it’s also a little scary

i’m not doing the things i think i should do

and im not sure what happens now

where i’m going

without plans or fantasies

all i know is im creating

the way i used to

when i was a child

one by one

i’m lighting candles in the dark

because i like candles

i like the way they burn

the heat

the light

the way the flames dances

in impermanence