Courage to be disliked

This book was another game-changer for me.

I grew up as a people-pleaser as a survival tactic. It served me well, until I looked around at my life and realised I didn’t belong.

I’d said yes to everything except myself.

Learning that being disliked is actually a sign of a well-lived life was breathtaking. And it’s a space I continue to lean into at my edge.

The root idea is that interpersonal relationships are the cause of all problems, because to live as a social being you must confront the life tasks of work, friendship, love.

In order to address these interpersonal relationship problems, you need to have self acceptance, which allows you to have confidence in others (because you see everyone as comrades instead of enemies) and this then means that you can contribute to others.

This spins a flywheel because by contributing to others you have greater acceptance of yourself and what you have to offer.

True freedom is being disliked by other people, because it is proof that you are exercising your freedom and living in accordance with your own principles.

Here are my notes:

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Community Feeling

• Ultimately humans want a sense of belonging, to feel “it’s OK to be here”
  • This is something one can only attain by making an active commitment to the community of one’s own accord and not by simply being here.
  • One must stand on ones own two feet and step forward with tasks of interpersonal relationships.
  • Think not ‘what will this person give me’ but rather ‘what can I give to this person’.
• Community feeling: having a sense of others as comrades and an awareness of one’s own refuge within the community.
  • The scope of community is infinite (e.g. a school sits within a nation within the world within the universe).
  • If you do not find refuge in your school, you should seek it outside the school walls (change school or withdraw).
  • it is because of their physical weakness that humans create communities and live in relationships of cooperation
• To shift from attachment to self to concern for others and gain community feeling, one needs self acceptance, confidence in others, and contribution to others which is underpinned by the psychology that “I have the ability” and “people are my comrades”

“I have the ability”

• Teleology: the psychology of use
  • Know that no experience is in itself the cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences - the so called trauma - but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes.
  • The past does not decide now. It is your now that decides the past.
  • We are not determined by our past experiences, rather we move towards our present goals according to the meaning we give to those past events
  • No matter what has occurred to you in your life until now, it has no bearing at all on how you live your life from now
  • Adler was opposed to any dualistic system that treated the mind as separate from the body, reason separate from emotion, conscious from unconscious. You cannot say that emotion made you do something, it is it as a whole’, indivisible.
• Aetiology: the psychology of possession
  • The Freudian trauma argument which is determinism and is the road to nihilism.
  • As long as I use aeitiology cause and effect to think, it is because he hit me that I have a bad relationship with my father, it would be a matter that was impossible for me to do anything about.
  • But if I can think, I brought out the memory of being hit because I don’t want my relationship with my father to get better (because it’s more convenient to have a bad father as an excuse or as revenge), then I will be holding the cards to repair relations.
  • Because if I can just change the goal that fixes everything.
• Lifestyle is the tendencies of thought and action in life, i.e. personality and disposition, one’s world view.
  • Although people can change lifestyle, they tend not to because the lifestyle they have now is the most practical one and it is easier to leave things as they are (like a familiar old rattling car).
    • In this sense they do not really want to change because it implies ‘death itself’
    • So people actively try to affirm ‘myself now’ which means they turn their past into good memories (“I’ve been through a lot but I’m fine now”)
  • With a new lifestyle you can’t predict what might happen to the new self nor how to deal with events as they arise - the future will be filled with anxiety.
  • If lifestyle were determined by other people or the environment it would be possible to shift responsibility to others, but we choose our own lifestyle.
  • Every person is a compiler of the story of ‘me’ who rewrites his own past as desired to prove the legitimacy of ‘me now’ (i.e. history is written by the victors)
    • From the innumerable events that have happened in a persons past, that person chooses only those events that are compatible with the present goals, gives meaning to them and turns them into memories. And conversely, events that run counter to the present goals are erased
    • e.g. a memory of being bitten by a dog could be used to justify that the world is a dangerous place, or you could remember being helped by a stranger to remind you that people are my comrades
    • One uses trauma as a way of getting drunk on the cheap wine of tragedy to avoid the misery of today

“People are my comrades”

• Competition: If competition is at the core of your interpersonal relationships, you will not be able to escape interpersonal relationship problems because in a competition there is always a winner and a loser, which makes everyone your rival and the world a scary place.
  • When you are released from competition by seeing everyone as comrades, the need to triumph over someone disappears and you are release from the fear that ‘maybe I will lose’. You can then celebrate other people’s happiness with all your heart.
  • When you are challenged go a fight, and you sense that is a power struggle, step down from conflict as soon as possible. Even if you win, the other party will go into revenge state to make you submit to them.
    • No matter how much you think you are right, do not criticize the other party on that basis because that is a relationship trap and shows it is a power struggle you have fallen into (he is wrong, I am right).
    • People think of admitting a mistake as admitting defeat, so they often chose the wrong path.
• Inferiority: Feelings of inferiority are subjective interpretations rather than objective facts because value is based on a social context.
  • Because they are subjective you can make your own choice (e.g. see small height as an advantage because it makes you less intimidating).
  • Inferiority complex is when you use inferiority as an excuse and imply a causal relationship (A is the situation so B cannot be done). “I’m not well educated so I can’t succeed”.
  • A healthy feeling of inferiority comes not from comparing ourselves to others, but to our ideal self
  • Superiority complex is fabricating a feeling of superiority when one actually feels inferior because one cannot stand the feeling but doesn’t have the courage to change through healthy growth.
    • Eg excessive allegiance to fashion brands or boasts about their achievements. However, they are living according to others value systems.
• Everyone has both feelings of inferiority and the pursuit of superiority (Ie hoping to improve). Both can promote striving and growth because you can use them to improve on your current situation. “I’m not well educated so I’ll just try harder”

Self acceptance

• The important thing is not what we’re born with but what’s use we make of that equipment
  • Focus on what you can change rather than what one cannot
  • This is not the same as self-affirmation which could be considered lying and lead to a superiority complex.
• Adlerian psychology tells us the issue is not of ability but instead one has ‘lost the courage to face ones tasks’
  • It is only when a person is able to feel that he has worth that he can possess courage. This is when one feels I am beneficial to the community.
  • “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom always to tell the difference”.

Confidence in others

• Distinguish trust from confidence: trust comes with a set of conditions (e.g. bank loan); confidence is believing unconditionally
  • There are times one may suffer damages but one should continue to believe because taking advantage is the other person’s task.
  • If you do not have the desire to improve your relationship with another person, perhaps because they are taking advantage, then sever it.
• The opposite of confidence is doubt, which does not allow for positive interpersonal relations because the other person thinks you do not have confidence in them.
  • Through having confidence in others, it makes others your comrades. This then connects to finding refuge in the community one belongs to so one can gain that sense of belonging that it’s ok to be here.

Contribution to others

• This is not about self-sacrifice, i.e. getting rid of the I, but instead is what one does to be truly aware of the worth of I.
  • It is to act, in some way, on your comrades and to attempt to contribute. The most obvious example of this is work.
  • Instead of thinking what others can do for me, I think what I can do for others.
  • If you see others as your comrades then there is no expectation for anything in return.
• This does not have to be visible, all we need is the feeling of contribution.
  • Happiness is the feeling of contribution. One can only have happiness if one has freedom. If one has a feeling of contribution, one will no longer need recognition from others.
  • The desire for recognition is a means for gaining a feeling of contribution. However, this means one will have to live in accordance with other people’s wishes and there is no freedom in this.
• Being of use to someone is what gives one a true awareness of ones worth. But this should not be on the level of acts, but the level of being.
  • Without judging whether or not people did something, one rejoices in their being there, in their very existence, and one calls out to them with words of gratitude.

Freedom

• Freedom is being disliked by other people.
  • It is proof that you are exercising your freedom and living in freedom, and a sign that you are living in accordance with your own principals
  • Rolling downhill for recognition from others will only lead to a smooth round stone. Are you going to wear yourself down like that? Is that your real self?
  • There is no need to be recognised by others. Wishing to be recognised will lead to a life of following expectations held by other people who want you to be this kind of person. You throw away who you really are and live other people’s lives.
  • If you are not living life for yourself, then who is going to live it for you?
• One needs the courage to be normal.
  • Why is it necessary to be special? Probably because one cannot accept ones normal self.
  • Is normal really inferior? People equate it with being incapable but this is not the case.
• Those who cannot carry out separation of tasks and are obsessed with desire for recognition are self-centered as they are concerned solely with the I.
  • So we must move from ‘attachment to self’ to ‘concern for others’.
  • While the I is life’s protagonist, it is never more than a member of the community and part of the whole. The I is the centre of a globe, not a map.
• Real love is when one can think “whenever I am with this person I can behave freely”.
  • One can be calm and quite natural state without feelings of inferiority or being best with the need to flaunt ones superiority.
  • Restriction on the other hand is attempting to control your partner - if they are happy you should celebrate that.

Separation of tasks

• All problems are interpersonal relationship problems because if we were alone in the universe all manner of problems would disappear
  • Life tasks (work, friendship, love) are the interpersonal relationships that a single individual has no choice but to confront when attempting to live as a social being.
• Ask ‘who’s task is this?’ to resolve interpersonal relationship issues, i.e. the separation of tasks.
  • To tell whose task it is, ask who ultimately is going to receive the end result brought about by the choice that is made.
• Forming good interpersonal relationships requires a certain degree of distance (too close and you can’t speak to each other, to far and you lose connection). Separation of tasks does not keep people away but instead unravels the complex entanglement.
  • When we run into difficulties with interpersonal relations or can no longer see a way out, we should consider the principal of listening the voice of the larger community.
    • E.g. difficulties with an authoritarian teacher, they are operating within a small community of school in larger human society where both you and the teacher are equals.
  • We see flaws in other people so we can avoid life tasks (e.g. an unhappy individual in a couple will suddenly be annoyed by their partners habits which never bothered them before).
    • This is a life-lie. Holding onto life lies isn’t about morality but courage.
• Taking on other people’s tasks turns one’s life into something heavy and full of hardship.
  • If you are worrying and suffering, learn the boundary of ‘from here on, that is not my task’ and discard other people’s tasks. That will lighten the load.
  • You can lead a horse to water but it is not your task to get it to drink. Whether someone likes you or not is their task, not yours.
  • If your child does not study that is their task and you should not intrude. You can give all the assistance you possibly can, stay interested and informed. But not force.
• People intervene in others tasks because they perceive relations as vertical, where one is right and the other is wrong. Instead of intervening, one should assist/encourage (lead the horse to water).
  • Adlerian psychology tells us the issue is not of ability but instead one has ‘lost the courage to face ones tasks’ hence we should encourage to help recover that lost courage.
  • It is only when a person is able to feel that he has worth that he can possess courage. This is when one feels I am beneficial to the community. Instead of feeling judged as good, you feel you can make contributions to others.

Vertical relationship: where one is right and the other is wrong

• Praising or punishing is the passing of judgment by a person of ability on a person of no ability, the goal is to manipulate
• Being praised is what leads people to form the belief they have no ability. You become dependent on a vertical relationship and acknowledge that you have no ability.
• When receiving praise is the goal one is choosing a way of living that is in line with another persons values.
• praise results in competition to be praised first and more frequently than everyone else leading to the belief that other people are enemies

Horizontal relationship: where people are equal but not the same, where the inferiority complex will not emerge.

• When one hears words of gratitude, one knows one has made a contribution to the other person. This is encouragement. When you’re judged as ‘good’ you do not feel this.
• One must choose to build horizontal relationships with everyone, some cannot be vertical else you will treat all interpersonal relations as vertical. Even if not in a boss-subordinate way, you will be saying ‘I’ll follow As advice but ignore what B says’ or ‘I don’t mind breaking my promise to C’

How to implement Adlerism?

• People who think of life like climbing a mountain are treating their lives as lines, as a kind of story form start to finish.
  • It becomes a Freudian story of cause and effect, what school you went to what company you worked for.
  • The problem is that one will lead a life in line with that story by bringing up the past.
  • But life is a series of dots. If you look through a magnifying glass at a solid line you will see it is a series of small dots. Seemingly linear existence is actually a series of moments called ‘now’.
  • We can only live in the here and now. It is not possible to plan life. The greatest life lie is not to live in the here and now.
  • In reality, it doesn’t matter whether one makes it to the mountaintop or not, it is the journey.
• Life is a series of moments one lives as if one we’re dancing around each passing instant.
  • Among those whose have danced the dance of the violin, there are people who stay the course and become professional musicians.
  • Or you can end up in a different place but it is enough if one finds fulfilment in the here and now one is dancing.
  • Living in the moment means we cannot see ahead or behind.
  • If you are standing on a theatre stage and the house lights are on, you’ll probably be able to see to the back of the hall. But if you’re under a bright spotlight you won’t be able to make out the front row. If we cast a dim light on our lives we will be able to see the past and future. But if we shine a bright spotlight on the here and now one cannot see the past or future.
• Life in general has no meaning but you can assign meaning to it. The world is simple and life is too.
  • Life ahead is a completely blank page. Shine a spotlight on the here and now and go about doing what one can do now, earnestly and conscientiously. (And not too seriously!).
• If we are attempting to choose freedom in our lives, it is only natural that one may lose ones way. Use the guiding star of ‘I contribute to others’.
  • Whether you’re disliked or not, you pay no mind and live free.
  • As long as you are dancing you will get somewhere.
• “Someone has to start. Other people might not be cooperative but that is not connected to you. My advice is this: you should start. With no regard to whether others are cooperative or not”
  • If I change, the world will change. My power is immeasurably great.