Chronic procrastination almost derailed my life

In the early years of my education, I was a top-star student. I felt the pressure to achieve, the desire to please, and the unquestioned acceptance of authority.

But when I was given free roam in college and university, and it felt like I was no longer held personally to account, my work ethic crumbled.

I would have this deep, nagging feeling that I needed to work. But I would avoid doing it until the last minute.

I would spend hours and hours browsing Reddit or binging TV shows, with one eye on the clock.

I was neither enjoying myself nor numbing myself fully. It was self-inflicted pain.

I couldn’t bring myself to be more prepared and organised despite knowing that deep down I would be so much happier if I did.

Saving grace…

My only saving grace was a desire to make something of my life and a looming fear of failure.

This pulled me through exams and deadlines but took a toll on my mental health. I would endlessly beat myself up for never meeting the high standards I set myself.

Things finally turned for me around the age of 20 when I learned that procrastination wasn’t laziness. It was the avoidance of discomfort.

Suddenly the shame was alleviated.

Around the same time, I learned to take responsibility for my own life instead of blaming others.

Through these revelations, I was able to pull myself together in the final year of university.

But despite having a newfound sense of agency, the feeling of discomfort that had underpinned my procrastination never went away.

It felt like something I had to push through. I would do it for the sake of my degree and then in my career because I wanted to progress. But it would wear me down.

So outside of work, I gave in to procrastination.

And that’s how I ended up spending most of my 20s focused on career success but feeling completely stagnant in my personal life.

It’s strange isn’t it?

We all have dreams like writing a book, travelling, starting a business or a creative project. And yet we kick the can down the road.

If that’s truly what we wanted, why would we do that?

The answer: resistance.

Resistance shows up when we’re about to step outside of our comfort zone.

It’s fear but it presents itself as rational-sounding thoughts.

This is what causes us to procrastinate.

For example, rather than reaching out to a contact who could help us in our life, we say things like: “I don’t have time right now”, “they’re probably too busy”, or “I’d be embarrassed if they don’t reply”.

We’re stopping ourselves from doing the things that will lead to a new version of ourselves: a bigger, more empowered person.

That’s scary for our ego, which is focused on self-preservation and safety even if it means maintaining the current conditions that leave us unhappy.

Resistance

This concept is covered brilliantly by Steven Pressfield in the War of Art.

He says: “the more important a call or action is to our soul’s evolution, the more Resistance we feel pursuing it”.

Today, I reframe the feelings of discomfort that I get when approaching a task I’m afraid of.

I recognise that growth is meant to be uncomfortable. I’m stretching the boundaries of myself.

So when I notice resistance, I know it’s a sign that I’ve got to do it. For my own evolution.

Resistance becomes my compass.

A friend, rather than an enemy.