Brene Brown — elliot freeman

There’s one undisputed Queen of shame and vulnerability.

Brene Brown.

Her TED talks are great and so are her books.

Her ideas genuinely changed the way I related to vulnerability.

I shared this once at sharing circle and a woman laughed at me 😅

She thought that I was joking because Brene Brown has become a bit of a buzz word.

But for me, Brene Brown seriously changed my life 🙌

Here are some of my notes from her stuff:

TED Talk

You have to be seen, vulnerable, to be loved
The opposite of belonging is fitting in. Belonging is being true to yourself. And that’s vulnerability
Vulnerability is uncertainty risk and emotional exposure. There is no courage without vulnerability
Authenticity isn’t easy, it isn’t just being yourself. It’s about having courage and you have to work hard at it. Not knowing is part of the human experience. You need to accept that you are a mess and that everyone is, but within that is a masterpiece.
Before i can reach others I have to reach myself. I ask people for what I need because I know that I have enough resources in myself to handle if they reject me or not. You must accept that you won’t find what you need in other areas without asking.
On over analyzing thought about whether I hurt someone with what I said that day: it doesn’t matter so long as the intent wasn’t to hurt. I might offend or hurt but it’s not my intention. I can’t be responsible for another persons pain or resolve. I can only be on that journey with them even if that means they reject me.

Netflix

The difficult thing is that vulnerability is the first thing I look for in you and the last thing I’m willing to show you. In you, it’s courage and daring. In me, it’s weakness.
This is where shame comes into play. Vulnerability is about showing up and being seen. It’s tough to do that when we’re terrified about what people might see or think.
It’s not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done them better.
The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly . . . who at best knows the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly
The first time I read this quote, I thought, This is vulnerability. Everything I’ve learned from over a decade of research on vulnerability has taught me this exact lesson. Vulnerability is not knowing victory or defeat, it’s understanding the necessity of both; it’s engaging. It’s being all in.
I think the first thing we have to do is figure out what’s keeping us out of the arena. What’s the fear? Where and why do we want to be braver? Then we have to figure out how we’re currently protecting ourselves from vulnerability. What is our armor? Perfectionism? Intellectualizing? Cynicism? Numbing? Control? That’s where I started. It’s not an easy walk into that arena, but it’s where we come alive.

Daring Greatly

Vulnerability is often associated with dark emotions (like fear and shame) and hence is seen as a weakness. But it is also the cradle of love, joy and belonging. It is uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.
We love seeing vulnerability in other people because it shows courage, raw truth and openness. But we’re afraid to let others see it in us. However, it is not about ‘letting it all out’. Without boundaries, it leads to disconnection, distrust, and disengagement.
Trust builds over time through sharing of vulnerability. Disengagement is the deepest betrayal of trust because it triggers our greatest shame of being abandoned
We all have good and bad, light and dark within us. If we don’t build shame resilience, we start to believe something is wrong with us and start acting on those beliefs.
In order to be vulnerable, we need to develop resilience to shame (P61). This means knowing your own self-worth
Do not attach your self worth to something you’ve created as this stops you from ever sharing it
Shame is the fear of disconnection (i.e. not being worthy of love, belonging, or connection). We all have it, we’re all afraid to talk about it, and the less we talk about it the more control it has over our lives (P68)
Guilt is feeling ‘I did something bad’, whereas shame is feeling ‘I am bad’
When we feel shame, we are more likely to protect ourselves by blaming others
Shame resilience is about moving from shame to empathy. We practice authenticity, experience without sacrificing our values, and come out with more courage and connection.
Build shame resilience by:
- Recognising the feeling and its triggers
- Practice critical awareness (have a reality check)
- Reach out to others (practice courage)
- Speak to myself as I would a loved one
- Own the story
Shame thrives on secret-keeping. Just journaling will help immensely.
Shame for men is about being perceived as weak, whereas for women it is about appearance and motherhood
Be aware of the vulnerability armory:
- Foreboding joy - rehearsing tragedy when we’re overcome with joy because we’re vulnerable and afraid it will end. Solution: Practice gratitude in the moment
- Perfectionism - defensive move to avoid pain, judgement and shame. Solution: appreciate the beauty of cracks, be mindful, be kind to yourself, don’t let perfect be the enemy of good
- Numbing - avoiding isolation and powerlessness to manage anxiety. Solution: set boundaries and lean into the feeling
The difference between pleasure and numbing is not about what you do, it’s about why you do it. Is it nourishing or diminishing your spirit (e.g. difference between Netflix show and a binge)
Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It is a relationship between equals. Only when we know our own darkness well can we be present with the darkness of others. Compassion becomes real when we recognise our shared humanity.
Belonging is being accepted for being me. Fitting in is being accepted for being like everyone else