Be present and hold space for others

I’ve always found the opinions of strangers on the internet fascinating. I can be absorbed for hours scrolling through comments on Reddit, wondering who these people are and why they decided to make themselves known. Wondering, as well, how many others there are like me, watching the conversations from the sidelines. I’m grateful to these avatars because, in many ways, I’ve lived through their experiences.

You see, long before I had a boyfriend of my own, I would read relationship posts with keen interest. I was curious to know what it was like to be in love. What I found was a lot of problems:

“I’m not sure if my girlfriend loves me anymore…”

“How can I let my partner know that they’ve put on weight?”

“Why does he never like cuddling?”

The strange thing is that whatever the issue was, I could always distil the best advice into just a few simple words: speak about it. I wondered why the path to resolving relationship problems seemed so clear and yet people couldn’t see it themselves.

“You have to be seen – vulnerable – to be loved” - BRENE BROWN

What I learnt, after having a few of these difficult conversations myself, is that they require a significant amount of vulnerability. You have to confess to the other person that you’re hurt or that something seemingly insignificant is important to you. There’s room for ridicule and shame. It’s no wonder that we find it easier to ignore the problem or blame our partners or expect them to be mindreaders or get angry about other issues. It avoids hurt.

Unfortunately, it’s a dark corridor that we have to walk down if we ever want internal resolution. And we have to be prepared for what we might meet there because it’s not enough to have the bravery to start a conversation. We need to know how to receive. Communication might seem like two people talking but, really, it’s one person talking and another person holding space for their partner to share ideas and be understood.

All too often, when we have conversations we’re just waiting for the other person to stop so we can jump in. I remember seeing this in action as a child when my parents would argue. From my perspective, their blind spots were so clear. But no matter how much I tried to mediate, their words could never find a home in each others’ minds.

“In healthy cultures one person’s wound is an opportunity for another to bring medicine. But if you are silent about your suffering, then your friends stay spiritually unemployed.” - FRANCIS WELLER

To have good conversations, we need to be present. We need to listen to each other. Really listen. Not think about what we’re going to say next. Not think about what we’re going to have for lunch. We need to take in the thoughts and feelings of the other person.

It takes a lot of practice, patience, and focus. But it’s one of the most valuable things I’ve ever learnt because it allows me to connect with people on a much deeper level. I do not worry about what I will say next because I trust that the right words will come up from within me when I need them. And they always do.

The foundation of all healthy relationships is a willingness to be vulnerable and an openness to the other person. Magical things happen in that space. But it’s not enough to hear this from a stranger on the internet – you need to experience it yourself.