Other people
Sometimes I get this shiver I can feel it in my brain And it runs down my spine I don't know if that's normal or not I've been surprised recently By just how different I am I found out tonight that when people do sums in their head They actually see the long division They strike out numbers and tally up I see nothing of course Because I have aphantasia There's only darkness in my mind Perhaps the faint outlines of a concept Or the visceral feeling of an experience But thinking of it makes my brain shiver There are so many things I've taken for granted I've wondered why people act in a certain way Why they can't see their own mistakes But I realise now how everyone's lens is subjective I knew that before, of course But now I know it I was given a compliment today Some flattering feedback from a customer It was detailed and caring But the feeling it left me with was uncomfortable I didn't enjoy it It felt like a twisted knot Normally compliments have no effect on me whatsoever I wondered later if it's because this was authentic validation Something that actually meant something to me Something I had avoided for so long Gosh, my machinery must be so different to other people We watched a film last night as a family A rather gentle affair about the war in Guernsey and a romantic interest My mind ran over the ending in the shower but then it washed away And I spoke to Mum this morning And she said she couldn't sleep last night because she was processing the film Thinking about the characters, the plot, how awful life must have been in the war That's some intense empathy right there Helena doesn't remember details Whether faces or the environment around her David can brightly picture dream worlds in this one Dad calculates the height of trees as he walks about Matthew can't carry more than two bits of information in his head Are we a very odd family? Or does everyone have their quirk? Something secret about their reality Unknown to others because it is unknown to themselves I want to cry sometimes But I can't quite let it rise I wonder how many other people Feel the way that I feel