A smile that begins in the heart
I can feel the contraction in my stomach, the belly rising and falling with each breath (have I put on weight) and I’m back (my arms are smaller, I should go to the gym) breathing through my mouth now and I feel a slight headache (I shouldn’t have had a coffee, I am so undisciplined), a smile that begins in the heart and touches the edges of my lips tenderly as though massaging my face (I’m so pretentious) feet against the floor, they’re warm but there’s a coolness to the edges (what do these french lyrics mean? wait, is this french?, I want to be a musician, i’m pathetic), sharpness in the solar plexus, pressing outwards, my nose feels a little blocked, discomfort (why am i doing this again, who is this for) i feel as though i am in a warm bath, my body floating insde my skin, i love the feeling of my bum against the seat (where did we buy it again? what a bargain) and I sit here, for what could be minutes, i am slow to type, i have nowhere to be, i relax my shoulders, i can feel a warmth in my heart, opening my awareness to all the sensations aroiund me, closiong my eyes, i can type with my eyes closed, arent i clever, here i am, who am i anyway, whgat is this i, thats too deep, follow it down, into the belly, and deeper, this music like a snake charmer, this is all wanks really, and the song ends, and inm left in silence, wait can i touchy type, maytbe this is nonsensical, guitrar strings now, and oi follow my way to spain, i exhale, and im back, in thos body, and back and back into no space at all, i llove it, this all of tyhis, what is it to love, i am enough, 9n want to stop, and enjoy, and be doine, but i continue, i cant know what im writing, where is this voice tahat im hearing, wahtt is the difference between thought and music, why is one mine and the other not, my eyes open, im back in the room, ive run out of ideas, im a hack, stop stop stop stop let me go back, to that state i panic wirting fantically but not sure if ill ever be able to stop what is this language these keyts is any of this real who amiandthisisajokewhoneedsthespacebar. loadds OF SPACE there’s so much we can have it all why be serious so serious where did that game come frpom the one where everything is serious. why not be play. lets play you and i play along wioth me and let go let me be am i free you’are free. father father father forgive me. these words that are forever tied. thy kingdfom come/ i saw on the side of a truck. breath breath breath i forgot to breathe the coffee is hitting let me slow. i slow. slower hands now. i haven’t smelt in a while. piano keys. gentle. whispers. let me feel. just for a while. let me feel freedom again. that taste i remember. nostalgia. like home cooking. grief is a huge wave.